Ice Cream Fred

All this week I have been Uncle Dick, mince pies all red and me loaf real thick

I'll tell you no lie I'm in a right two and eight over me trouble and strife and me old china plate.

Now the trouble's a rough un all in all, Aris too big and both Bristols too small.

Her north and south gawd wot a size and wivout her Hampsteads you'd realise

Wot with her constant nagging and the way she rabbits it's no surprise I found other habits.

I took to boozing at The Old Kings Head that's where I met this ice cream Fred.

Some say Fred is a little bit ginger cos his Barnett's long and his aftershave linger.

His daisies were polished and his Dickies were neat and the whistles he wore always a treat.

To me he was great he filled a real need when I slagged off the trouble he always agreed.

One night at the boozer the missus called in Fred took one butchers and said "Gawd wot a sin, a boat race like that would make a saint cry" laugh? I thought my pants wouldn't dry.

Next day after work I went home for me grub no sign of the trouble so I shot down the pub.

I could not find Fred had a quick sup and legged it to his gaff to see wot was up.

I bumped into his skin on the apples and pears "he's run off wiv yer missus" she said "bloody mare".

Now here I'm sat all on me Jack aint been to work so hello tin tack.

I'm in a mess and the house is a dive only oilies and pigs keep me alive.

I know I'm a berk, you can't disagree, I miss you, I need you Fred, come back to me!

© 2003 Christopher Wales